kartereo | private spice latte

"Oh, well. That's just an estimate without adding my collection!" Roman amends lightly, looking deflated after dashing his acquaintances' hope for variety. Speaking of Servants-- He has an idea. "We have summoned Heroic Spirits who certainly could work in better games during their time off. I'm sure Mr. Tesla and Mr. Edison would look forward that challenge."

His nervous smile fades away, and he becomes stone serious "You're not our first 'hybrid' case," he admits reluctantly, averting his gaze. While he hasn't taken part in the experiments and they began years before his summon, he still feels the weight of those deaths on his shoulders. How he could have been so ignorant while those kids suffered in secret? "Did you met Mash yet?" his voice cracks a little. "Mash Kyrielight was subject of experimentation to achieve that," he looks down, feeling his voice strain with impotence and his fist close in anger. "Her body was designed from birth for this purpose. When I found out about her existence, she-" He stops he doesn't want to talk about this. It's even surprising he's started to be open of this topic with someone who isn't Leonardo, not even Ritsuka Fujimaru knows yet. He swallows hard, he has to finish this because is something related to his present predicament. "She wasn't the only one, but I wasn't fast enough to save them."

He can't meet his gaze, he can't think about them now that the weight of the world and time is the only thing he should focus on. As much it goes against his principles, he also understands what drove Marisbilly to this ruthless path. The thing he's doing right now with Lord El Melloi II, negotiating and bargaining, is a luxury that they don't have during a true crisis and the fate of everything rests on the Master candidates, with all their fragility, and the Servants cooperation. A group of trained and loyal soldiers capable of both roles simultaneously is the safer option.

But he's not trying to talk about the skeletons in the closet, the real reason why he brings this up.

"If it had been easy to combine a living person with a Servant," he looks at him, after finding courage again. "I believe that this project wouldn't have existed in the first place. It's just conjecture, but," he reaches out just to touch his overcoat sleeve, "I don't think you're in your flesh and blood body, instead it must be a materialization. So what was combined with Zhuge Liang was your spirit." Thus, he speculates, his body wouldn't suffer any ill effect like a reduced lifespan when this is over.

"...Wait," he said, the words Edison and Tesla causing him to flinch. "You thought that having those two in the same place was a good idea? That era of history isn't my strong suit, but my God."

As Roman continued to speak though, to explain Mash's situation, Lord El-Melloi II's face hardened into something far angrier and far more disgusted with Chaldea as an operation. Mages experimented on people from time to time, and it was always something that he considered unacceptable. Ethics were rarely something that factored into the discussions of mages, but still. It was a personal line, and that Chaldea billed itself as it did, he was even angrier than he was upon initial summons.

"If I had known those types of experiments were being conducted by Chaldea's staff, I would have used everything in my power at Clock Tower to shut this place down," Lord El-Melloi II said frankly. He was not going to hide how much he hated this new piece of information even if Roman made it clear he shared the anger and discomfort with such work. "Nothing, not even a Grand Order, makes such experiments acceptable."

It was beyond the inhumanity demanded of mages. And Roman seemed to know that.

He tried not to flinch at the sudden touch to his coat sleeve. "Such a project should not be necessary if grail summons work properly. As for Zhuge Liang, I personally remain unsure why this was the route he took. For the few seconds we spoke, he proved himself to be some other variation of inhuman. As for what was entwined, I can't say I have had enough time to sit and parse it all out."

He chuckles softly at his first reaction, giving a dismissive hand wave. "A healthy rivalry helps to keeps things lively!" he points out, grinning. "Besides if any of them get out hand Madam Blavatsky is there to scold them." They have it under control.

He doesn't flinch when Waver angrily denounces Chaldea. He expected that; he'd have been disappointed if he didn't react. In fact, there might be a flicker in his gaze that looks at Waver less of the bumbling doctor and reluctant acting director, it only lasts a few seconds, but he looks at him as a proud father witness a son in his graduation day: brimming in pride.

"To my understanding, the Fate system became operational years after that project began," he explains, not trying to condone those actions but to make a sense in the chronology. But they still continued in secret. "I don't want Mash to be treated as anything else but a human being, so please, don't bring this up to her unless is to discuss your present circumstances." He's asking, but the firm tone of voice leaves little room to argue. "Please." She doesn't deserve that.

He nods, acknowledging what he just said. "I think we should start to measure your Strength, Agility, and Stamina." Using weightlifting for example, he could certainly tell he's stronger than the norm. "Leonardo can scan your body and determine if it's made of flesh or magical energy." He's got no magic circuits anymore, so he cannot discern that. As for the Master, it's a novice who probably can't say.

"Are you honestly summoning servants to triage pointless fights from rivals?" Lord El-Melloi II asked, totally deadpan. He didn't sound impressed though - just tired. The same way he got around his students, if he was given a moment to reflect on the matter.

Thankfully, he didn't. But he did catch Roman's weird glance which did beg the question of why he was being fixed with such a look. Roman wasn't a mentor, or a friend or...really any relation at all, outside of new boss as of a few hours ago. It suggested something far deeper and Lord El-Melloi II didn't care for it at all. It made him nervous.

"Give me some credit," Lord El-Melloi II continued. "I wouldn't be stupid enough to mention it, or even think it appropriate conversation outside of the singular one we are having now. The only thing I want clarification on is if she is aware of the circumstances herself, or have you allowed her ignorance of the matter?"

It was an important ethical matter, as far as Lord El-Melloi II was concerned, one that spoke more about the individual than the circumstance. Moreover, it was a question that he didn't have an answer to - telling someone that information was important, but it could shatter a world.

Quietly, he let out a tired sigh at being tested himself. "Understood. Would you oppose postponing the matter until tomorrow?"

"O-Of course not!" Roman's wounded by that accusation, he pouts when he thought so poorly of him. "They are all helping to save the world, you know." There are more Servants in Chaldea than living staff too which makes it difficult to keep up. He deflates a little after the scolding, his shoulder sag and he gives a dramatic sigh. "This is a Grand Order, after all."

It's something that rarely will come up again. There are times he recalls he was the forefather of all magi, not that he'll take responsibility for their present mess.

He nods, "She knows her origins," he confirms but doesn't talk about what she doesn't know. At least as far as Roman's aware. Her limited lifespan, something he's tried to look into without success. He is saddened by this, but can't bring herself to pity the girl, because pity is dehumanizing who she is. "I met her four years ago and I raised her as well as I could," he confirms, looking down, scratching the back of his head. Maybe it's not good enough. "She's come a long way since then."

He's very proud of Mash. That fatherly smile returns to his lips, but now is directed to someone else, for another reason.

"Oh, well, sure?" he isn't certain, but come to think about it, "You must be tired." Maybe not his body but this must have been emotionally exhausting. "I understand the change must have been shocking, so we can postpone it until you're ready."

"I was going to say that if it was intentional, it's rather clever." As much as Lord El-Melloi II wanted to actually say it was a foolish, when he sat and thought it over for two seconds, there was strategy to it. "It allows for Servants to deal with other Servants, preventing the staff from becoming babysitters."

Sit with the praise, Roman. If only magi were so easily dealt with. But Lord El-Melloi II could only dream.

"I see," he said, before falling silent for a long moment. It was one way to answer the ethical conundrum, and that Roman took on a parenting roll said a lot about where that particular relationship stood. It was something Lord El-Melloi II can relate to. Gray's own circumstances were different, as was the role she played in Lord El-Melloi II's life (he isn't her parent! was the lie he told himself), but the comparison was still there. "I'm sure I will see some of you in her when work begins in earnest tomorrow."

It was hard to mistake that parental pride, that was for sure.

"Mmm," he managed at the word tired. The whole rage explosion had been sustained, and exhaustion was now kicking in. "You realize that the words until you're ready are something I could abuse to postpone the matter indefinitely, correct?"

"Oh, really?" Roman asks dumbfounded. He's clearly not believing his ears, someone is actually praising him! While it makes him happy, the self-loathing part of him thinks he's unworthy of that. "We're short of staff," he admits sheepishly, "If humanity's best legends cannot fix a good meal and do laundry, we'll be in trouble."

Maybe he'll bask on the praise a bit, he probably needs it more than he's willing to admit.

"Ah, no! She's too good! But-" He sighs and scratches the back of his head, "I sort of-- let my fascination for Japanese culture known in her presence, so she's decided to learn something about that." The senpai thing, he had to run his mouth when she was younger. Ahh well, as long she's happy!

The doctor chuckles, giving him an amused look. "I purposefully worded it so you can abuse it," he admits. He knows this must be freaking him out, and really unless there's an imminent mission that needs him, he'll rather him to take his time. Besides, they struck a deal earlier. The fastest he gets this done, the fastest he gets authorization to travel to London.

And so it had gone for a few more minutes in the garden, until Lord El-Melloi II finally admitted how truly exhausted he felt. Not in so many words, of course, but in that polite making excuses sort of way that always allowed him to shirk duties at Clock Tower.

Tests came soon after to try and comprehend what the hell Zhuge Liang had done upon being summoned, and then it was time to begin the real work in earnest. It would be a lie for Lord El-Melloi II to say he was relieved to be working (he was not. At all. Whatsoever.) but it kept him apart from the other Servants who...

...who he had mixed feelings about. There were some he got along with fine, others who ignored him and vice versa, and there was the third category which to be polite, he simply called annoying. That was an understatement, there were some that nearly equaled Flat, and all the avoidance techniques in the world failed. Chaldea was, in the end, a small place. There were only so many places one could go to.

At first, staying in the control room was enough. The combination of Lord El-Melloi II and Zhuge Liang made for an effective team, making quick suggestions when it seemed like objectives were at stake. But in doing so, an unspoken question was uncovered: how much more effective could this Caster be in the field?

Very.

Very and as Lord El-Melloi II was learning upon his return, the word also extended to his own state of being. He was bone tired physically, and while mentally Lord El-Melloi II considered himself to be in better shape, it wasn't by much. As successful as the mission was, the aftermath wasn't sustainable.

The question of sustainability was what brought him to Roman two days later (there had been a lot of sleeping to take care of first.)

"Roman...?" he asked quietly, entering the medical bay.

Roman was supervising that mission (as he always did). He could tell something weighted in Lord El-Melloi's mind. The familiar bitter tang of being unable to keep up or not being good enough, maybe. He was well acquaintanced with that feeling of inadequacy himself.

Still, while he expected him in his consultation room soon, he hadn't had guessed he would come the night just after he stripped to wear his Magi★Mari pink t-shirt and pair cotton slippers and was about to sit down and read the cutest idol's updates. He couldn't even get the chance to say 'hold on just a second' when he made himself him.

Oh, come on!

Roman stares at the Pseudo-Servant for a full minute, wishing for the earth to open beneath his feet and swallow him. After that awkward moment passes, Roman pretends nothing is wrong and gestures him to take the empty seat in front of him.

"Good evening. What can I do for you?"

"I..."

For a moment, Lord El-Melloi II had no words. Roman wasn't the most formal person he had ever met, but neither was he the most casual. This was the equivalent of Flat showing up at his own apartment, only to catch the professor in an Admirable Conquest t-shirt and boxes and not much else.

It was that thought that propelled him forward, how he'd want to handle the situation, that made Lord El-Melloi II utterly gloss over what he was seeing.

"I need an opinion on a matter related to my role going forward."

Formal and to the point. No yelling about underwear or any such nonsense. (God, Lord El-Melloi II hoped Roman had on underwear)

He was waiting for the inevitable outrage, mockery or worse. He admitted hew as surprised when Waver just rolled with it and, after a double take, just continued his business as usual.

The small smile of relief on his lips speaks louder than words.

(And, for the record, he is no exhibitionist. He is wearing his pajama bottoms!)

"I understand," the doctor nods slowly and closes up his favorite idol's website to give Waver his undivided attention. "So you've come to see me first before speaking to young Fujimaru." No many Servants do that. The older King of Knights, the King of Heroes, are among those who prefer to have his opinion over the Last Master of Humanity. "You feel you can perform much better, but you don't know how to draw your own potential, right?"

In the past, he hoped Mash could give him some pointers, but maybe the differences of Classes may it hard. He uses magecraft while she relies on her physical prowess.

Lord El-Melloi II respectfully declined to look at the computer (if he had, the only question would be how is that updating if the world's ended?), and instead shuffled in, being certain the door behind him was closed. No one else needed to hear this conversation.

"...In a way," Lord El-Melloi II said, listening and parsing Roman's words carefully. "But I believe the question is better reframed as a matter of sustainability In terms of being an active presence on the field, there's no doubting my usefulness, but by the same token, there's a greater strain on my physical body. One that brings into question of long term effects and if I should continue to enter the battlefield itself."

There was an unsaid fact that as a mage, Lord El-Melloi II was hardly the best. His circuits were still so limited, even as he tried to better himself.

"And with regards to Mash, I believe her health and particular circumstances are just different enough from my own that speaking to you is the wiser option. Fujimaru doesn't need to know about this yet."

He was not about to burden a young adult with old man health problems.

Roman sighs to hear this, feeling the urge to rub his temples to stop an upcoming headache. While Leonardo's tests haven't been fully conclusive, they mostly lean that his present body and his usual one aren't exactly the same. Whatever Zhuge Liang did, he summoned El Melloi II along with him.

Somehow.

He doesn't understand why, but that's not the issue of this.

"Your sustainability will increase if you were able to draw the full potential of yo--Zhuge Liang's Saint Graph," he says after a long pause. "I think a lot of your barriers are based on your perception of your current body." Leonardo's tests have been inconclusive but have inclined on favor of materialization.

It's different from Mash, that's certain. Roman doesn't want to think about counting the days her body will just shut down and stop functioning.

"It's probably because you don't know what a Saint Graph should feel like," he ventures a guess because he's not summoned knowing how to be a Servant like the others. "Your mind automatically tries to tap to your circuits, which in turns weakens you." And leaves him wondering if his body can bear the burden. That's just a guess.

One that can only be tested if he manages to get a full grasp in his container.

"But if I'm wrong, you'll take a huge risk, so maybe we should just call field missions off."

That is a sigh that Lord El-Melloi II recognized. He had been on the other side of this so many times, and while he felt no particular guilt about putting Roman in this position - it was one of the things Roman was there to do - he did understand that it was an additional issue for the man to deal with.

It always came back to circuits, didn't it? He cringed at the thought, well and truly hating the fact that even with the power of a goddamn Heroic Spirit, the fact he was still just a crappy third generation mage created barriers.

"It...I have been trying to reroute the mana," he said after a few moments of silence while he processed the information. "But it splits between whatever the Graph's shape is and the more known route of my magic circuits. Or at least that's what's going on as far as I can tell."

He had only been able to confirm this off the battlefield, practicing alone in one of the training rooms when no one else was around. It was tiring, but easier to stop too. Having to stop halfway through a real mission was unacceptable, and would invite the raw mom energy of some of the Servants.

"Let's say that your theory is correct," he said, trying to back away from no longer going on field missions period. That wasn't an option, it'd just raise suspicions and out him for the actual crappy mage he was. "There should be options for retraining the flow of mana."

Roman studies Lord El Melloi II as he tries to explain himself. However, before he can answer, he hears a whining noise coming from the kitchen area behind them. "Hold on a minute. I'll be right back." They both need this.

He returns carrying a tray with coffee, and some assorted snacks: sugar cookies, slices of lemon cake, and a few crackers. He doesn't know what Waver likes, so he got him a bit of everything. He set it down and pours him a cup of coffee. "Here we go. It must be a long day, so you must be hungry."

He gestures him to take a bite to eat while he serves himself some coffee too. There's a point in this that's not just to play good host (though that's his main motivation). If he agrees and takes the meal feeling the pangs of hunger or thirst, he has an answer to his problem that also addresses his other one.

"It's maybe all mental. You're overthinking this," he points out before taking a long sip to awake his exhausted brain. Servants, for example, do not need to drink or eat anymore as long as they are supplied mana to materialize, and Chaldea's been doing that just fine. "Servants when they materialized don't really think about the output of their circuits, for example," he clarifies, guessing what could be bothering him but is a general observation as a former Caster Servant and a former magus. "Did you know your Magical Energy stat is A+?" That's what he means. "They aren't longer what they used to be, they are conditioned or boosted by their Saint Graphs. Woa- Hot!" He excuses himself a second when the coffee burns his tongue a little. Time to bring some fresh water to the table.

And time to dodge how the hell does he know this when he gets back. He hopes he doesn't feel is weird he's aware how a Servant proceeds when he's summoned without the obvious lack of "in the known" that limits his performance.

The coffee was the thing Lord El-Melloi II reached for first. It was comforting, both in smell (god, had Emiya's food madness extended to roasting coffee beans?) and in warmth. Putting his hands around the mug felt good. Of the food (doubtlessly Emiya), lemon cake was the dessert of choice. Something to contrast with the coffee. Besides, bitter felt appropriate.

Sitting down Lord El-Melloi II was careful to make sure his coat didn't get caught on anything, and he took just enough time to remove his scarf and set it aside. He didn't want it collect crumbs or coffee stains.

He was careful to hang on Roman's every word as the other man walked through possible explanations of what was going on. Sure, overthinking was a possibility. Doubtlessly a factor. But that felt more like a byproduct than the root cause. He kept thinking as Roman was....well, himself, for the lack of a better term or turn of phrase, trying to poke and prod at theories instead.

"Tell the Clock Tower that stat, just to see their faces," he said darkly once Roman was back. They'd laugh themselves to death. "But the Saint Graph theory could hold water. I'm running everything through my own body, learning the appropriate integration could be the issue, plus..." he sighed. "Factor in overthinking it and that could easily explain the situation. But that also leaves the question of how to fix this problem."

Doubtlessly, the focus on theory was a relief to Roman. There was no question of this knowledge's source.

Roman returns with a jar of fresh water and two glasses, munching on a sugar cookie. "Ybouh hfaft tfmo-" he mumbles incomprehensibly as the answer to Lord El Melloi II's dilemma. He sits again and a glass of water so he can help him swallow and soothe his burn.

"Ahh, that's better," he remarks happily. He gives a short pause before he addresses the topic again. "You need to take time to adapt," he suggests, in a very anticlimactic conclusion. "You've become a Servant by an unorthodox method, that's why this doesn't come naturally as it does to the average one," he proposes as he adds a spoonful of sugar to his coffee. "Lots and lots of Servants get things they didn't have in life or lose something, or something is modified depending on the perception men have of them, the fame boost, or the compatibility with the Master but they take it in stride because their existences are to be Servants now."

Lord El Melloi II doesn't have that, he's got to learn, in other words. At least, he hopes he's making sense.

"Even those angry about the changes like for example Lord Vlad III," he comes up with a decent example. Everybody knows how much he hates the legend of Dracula. "He's not learning to be a 'vampire', because that's integrated into his saint graph."

"Pretty sure I'd pay to see him sit through vampire lessons," Lord El-Melloi II said darkly, hint of a smirk on his face. Vlad was...Vlad was a lot. And part of him wondered what would happen if Vlad's brother was ever summoned as a Heroic Spirit. Nothing good besides a solid opening spectacle.

Testing out the rest of Roman's words, Lord El-Melloi II considered them slowly, filling time by sipping his coffee. It was hot as anything, but that was fine. He wanted something nearly scalding.

"So it is the impact of using a human body rather manifesting solely as a spirit," he said, certain enough. Thanks Zhuge Liang. Fucking thanks. "And the only way out is through, but...probably better done in a more controlled environment rather than an unpredictable mission."

It was the obvious conclusion, wasn't it?

He knows he would appreciate his coffee if it was piping hot. He prefers his in less tongue-searing temperatures, thanks.

"Maybe or-" he proposes, munching absently to another sugar cookie. "Maybe is a consequence of you thinking your body as human, instead of a manifested spirit. Like, if you think you should just do things as a magus does now with an extra boost, rather than realizing you're no longer just that." It makes worse that he's a Caster. While first, it seems like a logical easy choice, maybe the differences would be clearer if he was an Assassin or an Archer.

He takes a sip of his coffee and lets that sink in, for a while.

He agrees about the controlled environment testing. They have the simulator for that kind of thing.

There's a reason God invented the icecube tray, as far as Lord El-Melloi II was concerned. A statement that if he knew Roman's identity would probably be taken back with a certain quickness.

"Maybe," he said begrudingly. Not being fully just a mage (he had given up being human by becoming a mage) was likely a roadblock, and...and it made sense. It was surrendering who he was to the whim of someone else, and that was, in a word, terrifying. Because it spoke to a greater anxiety that hadn't made itself truly manifest until just this moment.

"When this is all said and done, can you guess what the impact of having house a Heroic Spirit might be? Generalizations are fine, I realize this is an extremely specific instance of the matter."

It won't be what Mash goes through, but...but it could go in a similar way. And wasn't this all a great irony? Lord El-Melloi II wanted to improve himself as a mage so badly, and now with powers beyond what he should have dumped into his lap, he was...he was like this. Hesitant to embrace the power that was now his.

Roman would sympathize with Waver's frustration. He's the idiot who gave up all his power and authority for a chance of freedom to live as a stressed middle-aged man. But it's his life and likes it that way. "Lord El Melloi II," he says gently, thinking maybe he should choose a less dramatic name for these conversations. "Zhuge Liang isn't anymore with you, you can choose what to do next." He's not going to force him to change his self-perception.

"Oh yeah, about that," Roman coughs and anxiously scratches his cheek. He has completely forgotten to tell him. "I was worried about it and made a quick research about Pseudo Servants before your case." Mash aside. Galahad's presence doesn't change her body cruel expiration date. "I found out that Jeanne D'Arc has memories of becoming a Pseudo Servant in some, um, Great Holy Grail War." Checkers instead of Chess, and the freestyle they are used to in the Grand Order. "Apparently the girl who became her vessel, Laeticia, lived without any lasting side effects as far as she knows. Astolfo confirmed this, he carried the girl to safety after Jeanne left her. "

Crazy, right? He reaches out to nibble another sugar cookie. And she had a human body, not materialization as he suspects is Waver's case. Roman just hopes he doesn't glare at him too much for not letting him known sooner.

There was an unconvinced look on Lord El-Melloi II's face. As far as he was concerned, the power granted to him meant that the Heroic Spirit was still with him in some form. As much as the choice was on him, there was still some sense of duty to the man, a fact that truly was strange and annoying. Lord El-Melloi II only sighed into his coffee mug, feeling that to argue back was pointless. He couldn't articulate what he was feeling, so how could he demand someone else understand him.

But as for the other concern, well. Roman had answers. Almost reassuring ones, as it spoke only of physical state rather than mental. A teenage girl going through being Joan of Arc in a Grail War? As if being a teenager wasn't chaotic enough.

Snide comments aside, he nodded. "That is...that is reassuring information to have. Having it sooner would have been appreciated as well, but..." it hadn't come up. And Roman was always busy. Quietly, he took another bite of the lemon cake, chewing quietly.

"Can I just say, in a single word, fuck? I am aware it is hardly constructive."

That was how this entire situation felt right now. Just. Fuck.

He looks down briefly, flinching guiltily when he says 'having it sooner'. He has forgotten about it between juggling the missions and everything else. But he still feels bad the poor man has carried this fear unnecessarily.

But if he knows this and still is reluctant then.

"Huh. Well, May I ask-" he gives a pause, to order his thoughts and take another sip of his coffee. "What you're really afraid of?"

He knows he's walking on eggshells with this one, but might as well rip the band-aid off. Lord El Melloi II came to seek him for consultation, so it's entirely sensible he asks that. If not being maimed, or a reduced lifespan, the hesitation has another source.

He braves another hard question.

"Maybe... Are you wondering how you'll feel when all this ends?"

Roman was a wise man to walk on eggshells, and Lord El-Melloi II's total lack of pokerface showed a very visible flinch at the question. Fear wasn't the right word. It had a texture to it that was all wrong, all...all too easy to overgeneralize. Anxiety was probably closer to correct and...

Nope, he knew what it was

"It's hardly fear, Roman," he snapped quickly, before forcing his tone into something much more measured. "Try closer to an existential crisis."

Roman was a doctor, not a therapist, but at this point, he might as well add that credential to the resume.

Checking out the mental health of the staff is also his job. So this isn't out of question. He doesn't bat an eyelash when at the snapping. He deserves it and expects it.

"On addition of changing your fundamental nature, which is stressing enough on its own because you feel like a newborn," he says, nodding slowly to let him know he's aware of his stakes, "You also got something you might have wanted." That's his guess. He seems so self-loathing about his skill as magus even he has picked that up. "But you don't know how long it will last."

He sets down the cup of coffee and looks at him without finishing his guess. That maybe he's reluctant to embrace something he'll lose and will remain a memory where he fought side by side with Humanity legends to save the world.

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we can timeskip?

And now we jump to the left

yeah I know he's not supposed to be talking with merlin in this au but I can't help but sneak this

shhhh no apologies only magi mari now

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