He looks down briefly, flinching guiltily when he says 'having it sooner'. He has forgotten about it between juggling the missions and everything else. But he still feels bad the poor man has carried this fear unnecessarily.
But if he knows this and still is reluctant then.
"Huh. Well, May I ask-" he gives a pause, to order his thoughts and take another sip of his coffee. "What you're really afraid of?"
He knows he's walking on eggshells with this one, but might as well rip the band-aid off. Lord El Melloi II came to seek him for consultation, so it's entirely sensible he asks that. If not being maimed, or a reduced lifespan, the hesitation has another source.
He braves another hard question.
"Maybe... Are you wondering how you'll feel when all this ends?"
Roman was a wise man to walk on eggshells, and Lord El-Melloi II's total lack of pokerface showed a very visible flinch at the question. Fear wasn't the right word. It had a texture to it that was all wrong, all...all too easy to overgeneralize. Anxiety was probably closer to correct and...
Nope, he knew what it was
"It's hardly fear, Roman," he snapped quickly, before forcing his tone into something much more measured. "Try closer to an existential crisis."
Roman was a doctor, not a therapist, but at this point, he might as well add that credential to the resume.
Checking out the mental health of the staff is also his job. So this isn't out of question. He doesn't bat an eyelash when at the snapping. He deserves it and expects it.
"On addition of changing your fundamental nature, which is stressing enough on its own because you feel like a newborn," he says, nodding slowly to let him know he's aware of his stakes, "You also got something you might have wanted." That's his guess. He seems so self-loathing about his skill as magus even he has picked that up. "But you don't know how long it will last."
He sets down the cup of coffee and looks at him without finishing his guess. That maybe he's reluctant to embrace something he'll lose and will remain a memory where he fought side by side with Humanity legends to save the world.
Lord El-Melloi II nodded after a long moment. He hadn't been as subtle as he had hoped about his actual skills as a magus, although Roman had met him before. The contrast might simply be self evident by now.
"It's one thing to sacrifice humanity to be a mage," he said simply. "To become whatever this is, and then be forced to potentially readjust after all is said and done is enough to cause...everything you've just said."
Roman had gotten it all in one, at any rate. Lord El-Melloi II downed the rest of his coffee, exhausted from just talking about feelings this much.
Roman watches him for a long time, not saying anything yet. He looks tired and needing of slippers and comfy pajamas more than Roman does. Until he breaks the tense silence to ask an important question: "More coffee?"
Someday, he'll completely read the mood, but it is not today.
Even if he's reluctant, there's one thing he gets from his anxiety. "You want to fight with the Servants," he says. Not just out duty, when he could use his strategic skills from the control room, Roman has offered to keep him out the field missions in the past. "No matter how you got this, if you want to do it, you should take the chance now you have it. Yes, it'll end someday, and it'll be sad and probably very scarring." He can't mince his words. "But I think it'll be worse if you lived your whole life knowing you had a chance to do it, and you never took it up."
"If there's more, yes." He held the cup out for a refill. He'd get up and get it himself, but Roman asked.
Roman's words are...they're right. Lord El-Melloi II hates that he's right, but what he loathes even more is why Roman is correct. It is born of not just a stupid desire to better himself as a mage, but for something even more selfish.
"I stood at the side of a particular Servant once," he said softly. He never, ever spoke of this. Gray had heard a few things over the years, and she knew the most of everyone. Lord El-Melloi II wanted it that way. "And to do it again brings me closer to that feeling again."
Never mind the comments about death and regrets. This is a moment of quiet realization, and one that makes Lord El-Melloi II feel both relieved to be at the core of so many problems and embarrassed that this is a part of his bundle of anxiety.
"Coming right away!" Roman happily reaches for the cup and disappears briefly into the kitchen area. When he returns, now also carrying two slices of strawberry cake (because he can easily match the King of Knights' appetite if let loose), he gives it back to Lord El-Melloi II.
He seats himself back and hears all about the missing fragment of the puzzle. He's about to ask his name and tell him that maybe they can just summon this Servant, but he doesn't think that'll solve his anxiety. It's about a memory of an irreplaceable moment.
"There are times Masters and Servants are just a contractual relationship," Roman says, nodding slowly. "But other times, there's a bond forge enough to mark and change one or both of them for a lifetime. You shouldn't feel ashamed of that, Lord El-Melloi II. I know what you must be feeling."
He stops, hurriedly stabbing the strawberry on the cake topping to chomp it down. He's got caught in the moment and said something he shouldn't. But hopefully, the other man doesn't pick that up.
going to bed now even though i want to keep tagging
"Thank you." The coffee cup was recieved gratefully, and he cradled it for a moment or so, staring into the inky blackness of the cup. His own exhausted reflection stared back at him, seemingly questioning his current vulnerability.
Listening carefully, he nodded along as Roman spoke. That all seemed right but...no. Something was off. Mildly, he responded, "You know the feeling?"
There was some surprise on his face, but the way Roman focused on the cake so suddenly spoke to a deeper truth. Moving away from his own feelings at the moment would also be welcome.
No, no, NO. This isn't happening. He's not going to switch topics on him. This is Waver's consultation and unresolved feelings.
"Yes, um-b-by observing how Ritsuka and all the Servants bond during missions," Roman tries to amend his slip with a tight smile. But the way it seems he's forcing to look at him when his eyes sometimes wander to the cake may give it away.
Lord El-Melloi II squinted a little, as if that was the best way to divine if Roman was bullshitting him or not. In the end, it probably didn't matter. However, he was done talking about his feeling, or else that was how it felt, and he had a certain keenness to change the topic.
"I see," he said, the tone making it clear that he was unconvinced by this statement. He also wasn't about to push it either, given that he had just laid himself bare in front of Roman. The potential of getting bitten in the ass was there and very great.
"...I suppose the best thing to do then is to plan how to deal with this in a way that minimizes me as a liability."
The way Roman's tense shoulders sagged when El Melloi II bought that is a certain indication he uses Ritsuka as a cover-up. He feels a little guilty to hide his secret when he just opened up to him, but this is about the other man. His consultation. It'll be unprofessional to burden him with his secrets.
"You're not a liability," Roman corrects him lightly, "And I'm thinking about scheduled sessions in the simulator." He pauses to slice a portion of cake. "Every time Ritsuka needs to practice."
It was strange being the one on the other side of such planning. Lord El-Melloi II was so used to developing these kinds of regimens for his students and then setting up the check in schedule that he would have declared it second nature. But this? This was an utter novelty.
An utter novelty that didn't always benefit from having been on the other side of the table. True to form, Lord El-Melloi II's head got in the way the first few weeks with no real improvement at hand. He knew it too, got annoyed at himself, and the cycle went on for far longer than it should have.
It broke eventually though, for reasons that Lord El-Melloi II declined to dictate. All that could be said was that within the past two weeks, he seemed to have finally figured out how to expend his Noble Phantasm multiple times without wanting to fall over afterwards. That? That was a marked improvement, and one he was able to repeat throughout the week. Success and something to be proud of.
He didn't bother to knock on Roman's door when it was time for another weekly check in. However, Lord El-Melloi II did bring an additional orange-honey cake that he requested Emiya bake as a sort of surprise for Roman to celebrate genuine progress.
After today's success, he feels like Lord El Melloi II is going to drop by. He doesn't have a fresh bottle of wine or cigars to offer him for the celebration, but Roman has made coffee and actually... tried his hand at some poorly formed but edible cupcakes. He's wanted to surprise him and tried his best to at least not burn them.
Despite knowing he'll likely stop by, he's still wearing the embarrassing ensemble from the last time. He feels comfortable enough to not hide this from the other man. Which is an important sign of trust of an individual as secretive as Romani.
"Congratulations on your progress!" he exclaims as welcome, clapping enthusiastically.
It was placed far too elegantly on (what else) a red platter, the loaf carefully accented with pieces of candied orange that rested on little tufts of piped whipped cream. Lord El-Melloi II held the platter out towards Roman, not blinking at the doctor's fashion choice. If he could meet with students in PJs? He would.
"...And thanks. It actually was the step forward I had been anticipating."
"Oh, that's--" Roman gasps to see the cake. A gift. He brought him a gift. To him. When was the last time someone did that? He suddenly feels his eyes get a little cloudy. "T-That looks incredible and delicious. Thank you!" he says sincerely, "I, um," he hesitates to look at the deformed vanilla cupcakes on the table. "I also tried to bake you something, but as expected Mr. Emiya's Bakery Ex Skills can't be beaten!"
"...I will be truthful," Lord El-Melloi II said after looking at the cupcakes and taking them in their utter glory. "They're still better than anything I could ever make."
The closest to baking he ever got was the occasional episode of the Great British Bake Off. Lord El-Melloi II walked over to the cupcakes, and picked one up. He wasn't so much in the mood for citrus anyway.
It also meant he was polite enough to ignore Roman getting misty. "Thank you for making them."
Roman maybe me choking a sob. Lord El Melloi II is just too good and kind to him. He doesn't deserve this. "I'm sure you'll surpass me if you tried," he points out because he's born and raised on England, the land of legendary tea parties! Certainly, that's an experience he can't best.
True to be told, Roman's capable of making some delicious dango and pancakes but neither seemed very appropriate for the occasion. His experimental test with the cupcakes is, needless to say, mediocre.
"Uhm, you're welcome," he says, scratching his cheek bashfully. He lets the other man settle down before asking the million of dollar question. "So," Roman pauses after serving the coffee, "Do you feel confident to fight alongside other Servants now?"
Reines would probably appreciate that. All the more reason to not learn the skill. "My schedule's usually too busy." The statement does itself open for a lecture of maybe stop living off take out, but that's an easy lecture to tune out. He's heard it enough before.
"From which perspective do you want that response?" he asked, beginning to remove the paper from the cupcake. "Because there is the answer that I know I would give in response to a student, and the more blithe, optimistic answer."
"You have plenty of time here," Roman reminds him. It could be a useful skill in case he's facing an enemy who can only be defeated by a cook-off, alright? That's not even as ridiculous as the challenges they face daily.
He sips his coffee and thinks how to word his answer. "The perspective... of the man behind the title and the Caster Class." He gives him a serious glance. He's not asking the Clocktower Teacher, nor the Pseudo Servant.
"I have plenty of video games here," he countered quickly. He wouldn't get cornered into this so quickly. Even if there was a chance that an Iron Chef style battle was to happen.
Lord El-Melloi II sighed. Damnit, Roman had anticipated this. Unfair! Extremly unfair.
"I feel confident to a certain extent, but know I'd be better served by ensuring that this is a genuine uptick rather than a fluke. So that means at least two more weeks of going through training before fully entering the fight in earnest."
It was the professorly response. And the truest one he had right now, as want was unimportant from where he sat. He could still be a liability.
"Fine, fine. I guess I thought you might find that relaxing," Roman complains a little. He does take up gardening when games aren't enough. In the past, anyway, right now he can't afford a hobby.
That sigh is a good sign. It means he's caught him and he'll be honest.
"There are simple missions you could still join," Roman says. Like facing those scary Arms of Dawn in the woodland. Plenty of Experience! "But when you feel ready, you should let me know. Just remember not to take too long, chances like this one come very rarely."
"Maybe when I clear the queue and complete every challenge in all of those games." It was the politest way of saying no chance in hell.
Lord El-Melloi II tried not to bristle at the nudge. He could recognize it for what it was, and it made him overly defensive automatically. To abate the problem, he shoved about half of Roman's cupcake in his mouth in one go.
It worked, meaning that once all the cake was devoured, he replied with, "Well, let's say one week from now I can see what happens with the Arms of Dawn and go from there. Fair?"
"That-" Roman puts his mug down. "We were thinking the same!" Roman gasps. Has Lord El Melloi II gained an unknown mind reading skill?! Incredible. What are the odds?
He should serve Emiya's cake before they are out of cupcakes. The doctor stands and goes to the kitchen in search of plates, a knife, and a pair of forks.
"Uh, by the way," he says as he is cutting down the cake with a surgeon's precision, "If you ever want to talk about your older experiences," he stops to give him the first slice. "I'm here."
"It was a logical conclusion," Lord El-Melloi II pointed out, but...well, there was half a cupcake he had to finish, so he focused on that instead.
At least Roman getting up to cut the cake meant that the doctor wasn't about to see the darkness that crossed over Lord El-Melloi II's face. The thought of discussing the Holy Grail War was not something he was keen on.
"Are you actually that interested?" he asked, trying to play it off lightly.
He nods. "I think it still bothers you," he says, speaking as his doctor, the acting director, and maybe... as his friend. "Whatever happened there left a strong impression on you that you carry until today."
It could have a negative or a positive effect on his current training. "Besides-" He looks away slightly. They are a week from the anniversary of the late director's tragic aerial accident. Maybe this is affecting him a little. "I also participated in one of those," he reminded him. He was Marisbilly Animusphere's 'assistant' on 2004.
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But if he knows this and still is reluctant then.
"Huh. Well, May I ask-" he gives a pause, to order his thoughts and take another sip of his coffee. "What you're really afraid of?"
He knows he's walking on eggshells with this one, but might as well rip the band-aid off. Lord El Melloi II came to seek him for consultation, so it's entirely sensible he asks that. If not being maimed, or a reduced lifespan, the hesitation has another source.
He braves another hard question.
"Maybe... Are you wondering how you'll feel when all this ends?"
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Nope, he knew what it was
"It's hardly fear, Roman," he snapped quickly, before forcing his tone into something much more measured. "Try closer to an existential crisis."
Roman was a doctor, not a therapist, but at this point, he might as well add that credential to the resume.
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"On addition of changing your fundamental nature, which is stressing enough on its own because you feel like a newborn," he says, nodding slowly to let him know he's aware of his stakes, "You also got something you might have wanted." That's his guess. He seems so self-loathing about his skill as magus even he has picked that up. "But you don't know how long it will last."
He sets down the cup of coffee and looks at him without finishing his guess. That maybe he's reluctant to embrace something he'll lose and will remain a memory where he fought side by side with Humanity legends to save the world.
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"It's one thing to sacrifice humanity to be a mage," he said simply. "To become whatever this is, and then be forced to potentially readjust after all is said and done is enough to cause...everything you've just said."
Roman had gotten it all in one, at any rate. Lord El-Melloi II downed the rest of his coffee, exhausted from just talking about feelings this much.
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Someday, he'll completely read the mood, but it is not today.
Even if he's reluctant, there's one thing he gets from his anxiety. "You want to fight with the Servants," he says. Not just out duty, when he could use his strategic skills from the control room, Roman has offered to keep him out the field missions in the past. "No matter how you got this, if you want to do it, you should take the chance now you have it. Yes, it'll end someday, and it'll be sad and probably very scarring." He can't mince his words. "But I think it'll be worse if you lived your whole life knowing you had a chance to do it, and you never took it up."
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Roman's words are...they're right. Lord El-Melloi II hates that he's right, but what he loathes even more is why Roman is correct. It is born of not just a stupid desire to better himself as a mage, but for something even more selfish.
"I stood at the side of a particular Servant once," he said softly. He never, ever spoke of this. Gray had heard a few things over the years, and she knew the most of everyone. Lord El-Melloi II wanted it that way. "And to do it again brings me closer to that feeling again."
Never mind the comments about death and regrets. This is a moment of quiet realization, and one that makes Lord El-Melloi II feel both relieved to be at the core of so many problems and embarrassed that this is a part of his bundle of anxiety.
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He seats himself back and hears all about the missing fragment of the puzzle. He's about to ask his name and tell him that maybe they can just summon this Servant, but he doesn't think that'll solve his anxiety. It's about a memory of an irreplaceable moment.
"There are times Masters and Servants are just a contractual relationship," Roman says, nodding slowly. "But other times, there's a bond forge enough to mark and change one or both of them for a lifetime. You shouldn't feel ashamed of that, Lord El-Melloi II. I know what you must be feeling."
He stops, hurriedly stabbing the strawberry on the cake topping to chomp it down. He's got caught in the moment and said something he shouldn't. But hopefully, the other man doesn't pick that up.
going to bed now even though i want to keep tagging
Listening carefully, he nodded along as Roman spoke. That all seemed right but...no. Something was off. Mildly, he responded, "You know the feeling?"
There was some surprise on his face, but the way Roman focused on the cake so suddenly spoke to a deeper truth. Moving away from his own feelings at the moment would also be welcome.
goodnight!
"Yes, um-b-by observing how Ritsuka and all the Servants bond during missions," Roman tries to amend his slip with a tight smile. But the way it seems he's forcing to look at him when his eyes sometimes wander to the cake may give it away.
Cross his heart. Please believe him.
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"I see," he said, the tone making it clear that he was unconvinced by this statement. He also wasn't about to push it either, given that he had just laid himself bare in front of Roman. The potential of getting bitten in the ass was there and very great.
"...I suppose the best thing to do then is to plan how to deal with this in a way that minimizes me as a liability."
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"You're not a liability," Roman corrects him lightly, "And I'm thinking about scheduled sessions in the simulator." He pauses to slice a portion of cake. "Every time Ritsuka needs to practice."
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It was strange being the one on the other side of such planning. Lord El-Melloi II was so used to developing these kinds of regimens for his students and then setting up the check in schedule that he would have declared it second nature. But this? This was an utter novelty.
An utter novelty that didn't always benefit from having been on the other side of the table. True to form, Lord El-Melloi II's head got in the way the first few weeks with no real improvement at hand. He knew it too, got annoyed at himself, and the cycle went on for far longer than it should have.
It broke eventually though, for reasons that Lord El-Melloi II declined to dictate. All that could be said was that within the past two weeks, he seemed to have finally figured out how to expend his Noble Phantasm multiple times without wanting to fall over afterwards. That? That was a marked improvement, and one he was able to repeat throughout the week. Success and something to be proud of.
He didn't bother to knock on Roman's door when it was time for another weekly check in. However, Lord El-Melloi II did bring an additional orange-honey cake that he requested Emiya bake as a sort of surprise for Roman to celebrate genuine progress.
"I'm here when you've got a second."
DAMN I MISREAD THAT wait
Despite knowing he'll likely stop by, he's still wearing the embarrassing ensemble from the last time. He feels comfortable enough to not hide this from the other man. Which is an important sign of trust of an individual as secretive as Romani.
"Congratulations on your progress!" he exclaims as welcome, clapping enthusiastically.
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It was placed far too elegantly on (what else) a red platter, the loaf carefully accented with pieces of candied orange that rested on little tufts of piped whipped cream. Lord El-Melloi II held the platter out towards Roman, not blinking at the doctor's fashion choice. If he could meet with students in PJs? He would.
"...And thanks. It actually was the step forward I had been anticipating."
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Maybe he can just give them to Fou.
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The closest to baking he ever got was the occasional episode of the Great British Bake Off. Lord El-Melloi II walked over to the cupcakes, and picked one up. He wasn't so much in the mood for citrus anyway.
It also meant he was polite enough to ignore Roman getting misty. "Thank you for making them."
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True to be told, Roman's capable of making some delicious dango and pancakes but neither seemed very appropriate for the occasion. His experimental test with the cupcakes is, needless to say, mediocre.
"Uhm, you're welcome," he says, scratching his cheek bashfully. He lets the other man settle down before asking the million of dollar question. "So," Roman pauses after serving the coffee, "Do you feel confident to fight alongside other Servants now?"
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"From which perspective do you want that response?" he asked, beginning to remove the paper from the cupcake. "Because there is the answer that I know I would give in response to a student, and the more blithe, optimistic answer."
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He sips his coffee and thinks how to word his answer. "The perspective... of the man behind the title and the Caster Class." He gives him a serious glance. He's not asking the Clocktower Teacher, nor the Pseudo Servant.
He's asking what he wants underneath all that.
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Lord El-Melloi II sighed. Damnit, Roman had anticipated this. Unfair! Extremly unfair.
"I feel confident to a certain extent, but know I'd be better served by ensuring that this is a genuine uptick rather than a fluke. So that means at least two more weeks of going through training before fully entering the fight in earnest."
It was the professorly response. And the truest one he had right now, as want was unimportant from where he sat. He could still be a liability.
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That sigh is a good sign. It means he's caught him and he'll be honest.
"There are simple missions you could still join," Roman says. Like facing those scary Arms of Dawn in the woodland. Plenty of Experience! "But when you feel ready, you should let me know. Just remember not to take too long, chances like this one come very rarely."
He still needs a little nudging as motivation.
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Lord El-Melloi II tried not to bristle at the nudge. He could recognize it for what it was, and it made him overly defensive automatically. To abate the problem, he shoved about half of Roman's cupcake in his mouth in one go.
It worked, meaning that once all the cake was devoured, he replied with, "Well, let's say one week from now I can see what happens with the Arms of Dawn and go from there. Fair?"
his farming destiny even follows him in rp
He should serve Emiya's cake before they are out of cupcakes. The doctor stands and goes to the kitchen in search of plates, a knife, and a pair of forks.
"Uh, by the way," he says as he is cutting down the cake with a surgeon's precision, "If you ever want to talk about your older experiences," he stops to give him the first slice. "I'm here."
He means his cherished Holy Grail War.
is it a blessing or a curse
At least Roman getting up to cut the cake meant that the doctor wasn't about to see the darkness that crossed over Lord El-Melloi II's face. The thought of discussing the Holy Grail War was not something he was keen on.
"Are you actually that interested?" he asked, trying to play it off lightly.
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It could have a negative or a positive effect on his current training. "Besides-" He looks away slightly. They are a week from the anniversary of the late director's tragic aerial accident. Maybe this is affecting him a little. "I also participated in one of those," he reminded him. He was Marisbilly Animusphere's 'assistant' on 2004.
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I DIDN'T SEE THIS I'M SORRY.
DON'T WORRY i was in conference exhaustion mode
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i'll probably be slow until sunday heads up XD;
No problem, I'm about to do the next leg of conference hell
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lmao sorry about the iliad assumption I CAN CHANGE THAT IF YOU WANT
NOPE IT'S PERFECT
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you know it'd be terrible if they bonded after the Fz event
fff i was thinking he summons lil' alexander first
this sounds great double the hot waver mess of emotions
the role reversal is always amusing because he looks up waver
yup and waver's just so conflicted bc lbr he definitely has a terrible crush on iskandar
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should we timeskip after alexander is summoned, roman give him strong coffee and talk about aliens
aliens why did it have to be aliens. |D sounds good!
and we can move this!
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