kartereo | private spice latte

"I..."

For a moment, Lord El-Melloi II had no words. Roman wasn't the most formal person he had ever met, but neither was he the most casual. This was the equivalent of Flat showing up at his own apartment, only to catch the professor in an Admirable Conquest t-shirt and boxes and not much else.

It was that thought that propelled him forward, how he'd want to handle the situation, that made Lord El-Melloi II utterly gloss over what he was seeing.

"I need an opinion on a matter related to my role going forward."

Formal and to the point. No yelling about underwear or any such nonsense. (God, Lord El-Melloi II hoped Roman had on underwear)

He was waiting for the inevitable outrage, mockery or worse. He admitted hew as surprised when Waver just rolled with it and, after a double take, just continued his business as usual.

The small smile of relief on his lips speaks louder than words.

(And, for the record, he is no exhibitionist. He is wearing his pajama bottoms!)

"I understand," the doctor nods slowly and closes up his favorite idol's website to give Waver his undivided attention. "So you've come to see me first before speaking to young Fujimaru." No many Servants do that. The older King of Knights, the King of Heroes, are among those who prefer to have his opinion over the Last Master of Humanity. "You feel you can perform much better, but you don't know how to draw your own potential, right?"

In the past, he hoped Mash could give him some pointers, but maybe the differences of Classes may it hard. He uses magecraft while she relies on her physical prowess.

Lord El-Melloi II respectfully declined to look at the computer (if he had, the only question would be how is that updating if the world's ended?), and instead shuffled in, being certain the door behind him was closed. No one else needed to hear this conversation.

"...In a way," Lord El-Melloi II said, listening and parsing Roman's words carefully. "But I believe the question is better reframed as a matter of sustainability In terms of being an active presence on the field, there's no doubting my usefulness, but by the same token, there's a greater strain on my physical body. One that brings into question of long term effects and if I should continue to enter the battlefield itself."

There was an unsaid fact that as a mage, Lord El-Melloi II was hardly the best. His circuits were still so limited, even as he tried to better himself.

"And with regards to Mash, I believe her health and particular circumstances are just different enough from my own that speaking to you is the wiser option. Fujimaru doesn't need to know about this yet."

He was not about to burden a young adult with old man health problems.

Roman sighs to hear this, feeling the urge to rub his temples to stop an upcoming headache. While Leonardo's tests haven't been fully conclusive, they mostly lean that his present body and his usual one aren't exactly the same. Whatever Zhuge Liang did, he summoned El Melloi II along with him.

Somehow.

He doesn't understand why, but that's not the issue of this.

"Your sustainability will increase if you were able to draw the full potential of yo--Zhuge Liang's Saint Graph," he says after a long pause. "I think a lot of your barriers are based on your perception of your current body." Leonardo's tests have been inconclusive but have inclined on favor of materialization.

It's different from Mash, that's certain. Roman doesn't want to think about counting the days her body will just shut down and stop functioning.

"It's probably because you don't know what a Saint Graph should feel like," he ventures a guess because he's not summoned knowing how to be a Servant like the others. "Your mind automatically tries to tap to your circuits, which in turns weakens you." And leaves him wondering if his body can bear the burden. That's just a guess.

One that can only be tested if he manages to get a full grasp in his container.

"But if I'm wrong, you'll take a huge risk, so maybe we should just call field missions off."

That is a sigh that Lord El-Melloi II recognized. He had been on the other side of this so many times, and while he felt no particular guilt about putting Roman in this position - it was one of the things Roman was there to do - he did understand that it was an additional issue for the man to deal with.

It always came back to circuits, didn't it? He cringed at the thought, well and truly hating the fact that even with the power of a goddamn Heroic Spirit, the fact he was still just a crappy third generation mage created barriers.

"It...I have been trying to reroute the mana," he said after a few moments of silence while he processed the information. "But it splits between whatever the Graph's shape is and the more known route of my magic circuits. Or at least that's what's going on as far as I can tell."

He had only been able to confirm this off the battlefield, practicing alone in one of the training rooms when no one else was around. It was tiring, but easier to stop too. Having to stop halfway through a real mission was unacceptable, and would invite the raw mom energy of some of the Servants.

"Let's say that your theory is correct," he said, trying to back away from no longer going on field missions period. That wasn't an option, it'd just raise suspicions and out him for the actual crappy mage he was. "There should be options for retraining the flow of mana."

Roman studies Lord El Melloi II as he tries to explain himself. However, before he can answer, he hears a whining noise coming from the kitchen area behind them. "Hold on a minute. I'll be right back." They both need this.

He returns carrying a tray with coffee, and some assorted snacks: sugar cookies, slices of lemon cake, and a few crackers. He doesn't know what Waver likes, so he got him a bit of everything. He set it down and pours him a cup of coffee. "Here we go. It must be a long day, so you must be hungry."

He gestures him to take a bite to eat while he serves himself some coffee too. There's a point in this that's not just to play good host (though that's his main motivation). If he agrees and takes the meal feeling the pangs of hunger or thirst, he has an answer to his problem that also addresses his other one.

"It's maybe all mental. You're overthinking this," he points out before taking a long sip to awake his exhausted brain. Servants, for example, do not need to drink or eat anymore as long as they are supplied mana to materialize, and Chaldea's been doing that just fine. "Servants when they materialized don't really think about the output of their circuits, for example," he clarifies, guessing what could be bothering him but is a general observation as a former Caster Servant and a former magus. "Did you know your Magical Energy stat is A+?" That's what he means. "They aren't longer what they used to be, they are conditioned or boosted by their Saint Graphs. Woa- Hot!" He excuses himself a second when the coffee burns his tongue a little. Time to bring some fresh water to the table.

And time to dodge how the hell does he know this when he gets back. He hopes he doesn't feel is weird he's aware how a Servant proceeds when he's summoned without the obvious lack of "in the known" that limits his performance.

The coffee was the thing Lord El-Melloi II reached for first. It was comforting, both in smell (god, had Emiya's food madness extended to roasting coffee beans?) and in warmth. Putting his hands around the mug felt good. Of the food (doubtlessly Emiya), lemon cake was the dessert of choice. Something to contrast with the coffee. Besides, bitter felt appropriate.

Sitting down Lord El-Melloi II was careful to make sure his coat didn't get caught on anything, and he took just enough time to remove his scarf and set it aside. He didn't want it collect crumbs or coffee stains.

He was careful to hang on Roman's every word as the other man walked through possible explanations of what was going on. Sure, overthinking was a possibility. Doubtlessly a factor. But that felt more like a byproduct than the root cause. He kept thinking as Roman was....well, himself, for the lack of a better term or turn of phrase, trying to poke and prod at theories instead.

"Tell the Clock Tower that stat, just to see their faces," he said darkly once Roman was back. They'd laugh themselves to death. "But the Saint Graph theory could hold water. I'm running everything through my own body, learning the appropriate integration could be the issue, plus..." he sighed. "Factor in overthinking it and that could easily explain the situation. But that also leaves the question of how to fix this problem."

Doubtlessly, the focus on theory was a relief to Roman. There was no question of this knowledge's source.

Roman returns with a jar of fresh water and two glasses, munching on a sugar cookie. "Ybouh hfaft tfmo-" he mumbles incomprehensibly as the answer to Lord El Melloi II's dilemma. He sits again and a glass of water so he can help him swallow and soothe his burn.

"Ahh, that's better," he remarks happily. He gives a short pause before he addresses the topic again. "You need to take time to adapt," he suggests, in a very anticlimactic conclusion. "You've become a Servant by an unorthodox method, that's why this doesn't come naturally as it does to the average one," he proposes as he adds a spoonful of sugar to his coffee. "Lots and lots of Servants get things they didn't have in life or lose something, or something is modified depending on the perception men have of them, the fame boost, or the compatibility with the Master but they take it in stride because their existences are to be Servants now."

Lord El Melloi II doesn't have that, he's got to learn, in other words. At least, he hopes he's making sense.

"Even those angry about the changes like for example Lord Vlad III," he comes up with a decent example. Everybody knows how much he hates the legend of Dracula. "He's not learning to be a 'vampire', because that's integrated into his saint graph."

"Pretty sure I'd pay to see him sit through vampire lessons," Lord El-Melloi II said darkly, hint of a smirk on his face. Vlad was...Vlad was a lot. And part of him wondered what would happen if Vlad's brother was ever summoned as a Heroic Spirit. Nothing good besides a solid opening spectacle.

Testing out the rest of Roman's words, Lord El-Melloi II considered them slowly, filling time by sipping his coffee. It was hot as anything, but that was fine. He wanted something nearly scalding.

"So it is the impact of using a human body rather manifesting solely as a spirit," he said, certain enough. Thanks Zhuge Liang. Fucking thanks. "And the only way out is through, but...probably better done in a more controlled environment rather than an unpredictable mission."

It was the obvious conclusion, wasn't it?

He knows he would appreciate his coffee if it was piping hot. He prefers his in less tongue-searing temperatures, thanks.

"Maybe or-" he proposes, munching absently to another sugar cookie. "Maybe is a consequence of you thinking your body as human, instead of a manifested spirit. Like, if you think you should just do things as a magus does now with an extra boost, rather than realizing you're no longer just that." It makes worse that he's a Caster. While first, it seems like a logical easy choice, maybe the differences would be clearer if he was an Assassin or an Archer.

He takes a sip of his coffee and lets that sink in, for a while.

He agrees about the controlled environment testing. They have the simulator for that kind of thing.

There's a reason God invented the icecube tray, as far as Lord El-Melloi II was concerned. A statement that if he knew Roman's identity would probably be taken back with a certain quickness.

"Maybe," he said begrudingly. Not being fully just a mage (he had given up being human by becoming a mage) was likely a roadblock, and...and it made sense. It was surrendering who he was to the whim of someone else, and that was, in a word, terrifying. Because it spoke to a greater anxiety that hadn't made itself truly manifest until just this moment.

"When this is all said and done, can you guess what the impact of having house a Heroic Spirit might be? Generalizations are fine, I realize this is an extremely specific instance of the matter."

It won't be what Mash goes through, but...but it could go in a similar way. And wasn't this all a great irony? Lord El-Melloi II wanted to improve himself as a mage so badly, and now with powers beyond what he should have dumped into his lap, he was...he was like this. Hesitant to embrace the power that was now his.

Roman would sympathize with Waver's frustration. He's the idiot who gave up all his power and authority for a chance of freedom to live as a stressed middle-aged man. But it's his life and likes it that way. "Lord El Melloi II," he says gently, thinking maybe he should choose a less dramatic name for these conversations. "Zhuge Liang isn't anymore with you, you can choose what to do next." He's not going to force him to change his self-perception.

"Oh yeah, about that," Roman coughs and anxiously scratches his cheek. He has completely forgotten to tell him. "I was worried about it and made a quick research about Pseudo Servants before your case." Mash aside. Galahad's presence doesn't change her body cruel expiration date. "I found out that Jeanne D'Arc has memories of becoming a Pseudo Servant in some, um, Great Holy Grail War." Checkers instead of Chess, and the freestyle they are used to in the Grand Order. "Apparently the girl who became her vessel, Laeticia, lived without any lasting side effects as far as she knows. Astolfo confirmed this, he carried the girl to safety after Jeanne left her. "

Crazy, right? He reaches out to nibble another sugar cookie. And she had a human body, not materialization as he suspects is Waver's case. Roman just hopes he doesn't glare at him too much for not letting him known sooner.

There was an unconvinced look on Lord El-Melloi II's face. As far as he was concerned, the power granted to him meant that the Heroic Spirit was still with him in some form. As much as the choice was on him, there was still some sense of duty to the man, a fact that truly was strange and annoying. Lord El-Melloi II only sighed into his coffee mug, feeling that to argue back was pointless. He couldn't articulate what he was feeling, so how could he demand someone else understand him.

But as for the other concern, well. Roman had answers. Almost reassuring ones, as it spoke only of physical state rather than mental. A teenage girl going through being Joan of Arc in a Grail War? As if being a teenager wasn't chaotic enough.

Snide comments aside, he nodded. "That is...that is reassuring information to have. Having it sooner would have been appreciated as well, but..." it hadn't come up. And Roman was always busy. Quietly, he took another bite of the lemon cake, chewing quietly.

"Can I just say, in a single word, fuck? I am aware it is hardly constructive."

That was how this entire situation felt right now. Just. Fuck.

He looks down briefly, flinching guiltily when he says 'having it sooner'. He has forgotten about it between juggling the missions and everything else. But he still feels bad the poor man has carried this fear unnecessarily.

But if he knows this and still is reluctant then.

"Huh. Well, May I ask-" he gives a pause, to order his thoughts and take another sip of his coffee. "What you're really afraid of?"

He knows he's walking on eggshells with this one, but might as well rip the band-aid off. Lord El Melloi II came to seek him for consultation, so it's entirely sensible he asks that. If not being maimed, or a reduced lifespan, the hesitation has another source.

He braves another hard question.

"Maybe... Are you wondering how you'll feel when all this ends?"

Roman was a wise man to walk on eggshells, and Lord El-Melloi II's total lack of pokerface showed a very visible flinch at the question. Fear wasn't the right word. It had a texture to it that was all wrong, all...all too easy to overgeneralize. Anxiety was probably closer to correct and...

Nope, he knew what it was

"It's hardly fear, Roman," he snapped quickly, before forcing his tone into something much more measured. "Try closer to an existential crisis."

Roman was a doctor, not a therapist, but at this point, he might as well add that credential to the resume.

Checking out the mental health of the staff is also his job. So this isn't out of question. He doesn't bat an eyelash when at the snapping. He deserves it and expects it.

"On addition of changing your fundamental nature, which is stressing enough on its own because you feel like a newborn," he says, nodding slowly to let him know he's aware of his stakes, "You also got something you might have wanted." That's his guess. He seems so self-loathing about his skill as magus even he has picked that up. "But you don't know how long it will last."

He sets down the cup of coffee and looks at him without finishing his guess. That maybe he's reluctant to embrace something he'll lose and will remain a memory where he fought side by side with Humanity legends to save the world.

Lord El-Melloi II nodded after a long moment. He hadn't been as subtle as he had hoped about his actual skills as a magus, although Roman had met him before. The contrast might simply be self evident by now.

"It's one thing to sacrifice humanity to be a mage," he said simply. "To become whatever this is, and then be forced to potentially readjust after all is said and done is enough to cause...everything you've just said."

Roman had gotten it all in one, at any rate. Lord El-Melloi II downed the rest of his coffee, exhausted from just talking about feelings this much.

Roman watches him for a long time, not saying anything yet. He looks tired and needing of slippers and comfy pajamas more than Roman does. Until he breaks the tense silence to ask an important question: "More coffee?"

Someday, he'll completely read the mood, but it is not today.

Even if he's reluctant, there's one thing he gets from his anxiety. "You want to fight with the Servants," he says. Not just out duty, when he could use his strategic skills from the control room, Roman has offered to keep him out the field missions in the past. "No matter how you got this, if you want to do it, you should take the chance now you have it. Yes, it'll end someday, and it'll be sad and probably very scarring." He can't mince his words. "But I think it'll be worse if you lived your whole life knowing you had a chance to do it, and you never took it up."

"If there's more, yes." He held the cup out for a refill. He'd get up and get it himself, but Roman asked.

Roman's words are...they're right. Lord El-Melloi II hates that he's right, but what he loathes even more is why Roman is correct. It is born of not just a stupid desire to better himself as a mage, but for something even more selfish.

"I stood at the side of a particular Servant once," he said softly. He never, ever spoke of this. Gray had heard a few things over the years, and she knew the most of everyone. Lord El-Melloi II wanted it that way. "And to do it again brings me closer to that feeling again."

Never mind the comments about death and regrets. This is a moment of quiet realization, and one that makes Lord El-Melloi II feel both relieved to be at the core of so many problems and embarrassed that this is a part of his bundle of anxiety.

"Coming right away!" Roman happily reaches for the cup and disappears briefly into the kitchen area. When he returns, now also carrying two slices of strawberry cake (because he can easily match the King of Knights' appetite if let loose), he gives it back to Lord El-Melloi II.

He seats himself back and hears all about the missing fragment of the puzzle. He's about to ask his name and tell him that maybe they can just summon this Servant, but he doesn't think that'll solve his anxiety. It's about a memory of an irreplaceable moment.

"There are times Masters and Servants are just a contractual relationship," Roman says, nodding slowly. "But other times, there's a bond forge enough to mark and change one or both of them for a lifetime. You shouldn't feel ashamed of that, Lord El-Melloi II. I know what you must be feeling."

He stops, hurriedly stabbing the strawberry on the cake topping to chomp it down. He's got caught in the moment and said something he shouldn't. But hopefully, the other man doesn't pick that up.

"Thank you." The coffee cup was recieved gratefully, and he cradled it for a moment or so, staring into the inky blackness of the cup. His own exhausted reflection stared back at him, seemingly questioning his current vulnerability.

Listening carefully, he nodded along as Roman spoke. That all seemed right but...no. Something was off. Mildly, he responded, "You know the feeling?"

There was some surprise on his face, but the way Roman focused on the cake so suddenly spoke to a deeper truth. Moving away from his own feelings at the moment would also be welcome.

No, no, NO. This isn't happening. He's not going to switch topics on him. This is Waver's consultation and unresolved feelings.

"Yes, um-b-by observing how Ritsuka and all the Servants bond during missions," Roman tries to amend his slip with a tight smile. But the way it seems he's forcing to look at him when his eyes sometimes wander to the cake may give it away.

Cross his heart. Please believe him.

Lord El-Melloi II squinted a little, as if that was the best way to divine if Roman was bullshitting him or not. In the end, it probably didn't matter. However, he was done talking about his feeling, or else that was how it felt, and he had a certain keenness to change the topic.

"I see," he said, the tone making it clear that he was unconvinced by this statement. He also wasn't about to push it either, given that he had just laid himself bare in front of Roman. The potential of getting bitten in the ass was there and very great.

"...I suppose the best thing to do then is to plan how to deal with this in a way that minimizes me as a liability."

The way Roman's tense shoulders sagged when El Melloi II bought that is a certain indication he uses Ritsuka as a cover-up. He feels a little guilty to hide his secret when he just opened up to him, but this is about the other man. His consultation. It'll be unprofessional to burden him with his secrets.

"You're not a liability," Roman corrects him lightly, "And I'm thinking about scheduled sessions in the simulator." He pauses to slice a portion of cake. "Every time Ritsuka needs to practice."

"Okay. Let's start planning that."

It was strange being the one on the other side of such planning. Lord El-Melloi II was so used to developing these kinds of regimens for his students and then setting up the check in schedule that he would have declared it second nature. But this? This was an utter novelty.

An utter novelty that didn't always benefit from having been on the other side of the table. True to form, Lord El-Melloi II's head got in the way the first few weeks with no real improvement at hand. He knew it too, got annoyed at himself, and the cycle went on for far longer than it should have.

It broke eventually though, for reasons that Lord El-Melloi II declined to dictate. All that could be said was that within the past two weeks, he seemed to have finally figured out how to expend his Noble Phantasm multiple times without wanting to fall over afterwards. That? That was a marked improvement, and one he was able to repeat throughout the week. Success and something to be proud of.

He didn't bother to knock on Roman's door when it was time for another weekly check in. However, Lord El-Melloi II did bring an additional orange-honey cake that he requested Emiya bake as a sort of surprise for Roman to celebrate genuine progress.

"I'm here when you've got a second."

shhhh no apologies only magi mari now

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going to bed now even though i want to keep tagging

goodnight!

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